Guilt Trip

I think that most parents, especially mothers, have experienced guilt at some point in the parenthood journey. Whether it's doing something for yourself or leaving your kids with a sitter, it happens. I have a bad case of it. Don't get me wrong, I love to leave a kid with a grandparent, but it's different with Asher. He is HARD. I want to have a break. I want to sit in a chair and watch my kids play ball. I want to leave my house without a thousand bags. I want to breathe and not feel anxious.

I know Asher's quirks and tricks until he comes up with something new. Our house is a work in progress when it comes to Asher-proofing. It's hard to let him go to someone's house. So, I worry. It's not like a normal worry. It's like a constant stomachache kind of worry. Riley had 3 ballgames in one day. We had the worst schedule. We played at 1, 7, and 9 pm. I want to puke just thinking of 3 games with Asher. I can't fathom that long break and that LOOONNNNGGGG day with him in tow.

So, my sweet momma offered to keep Ash. This a woman who had 3 kids, 9 grandkids, and taught elementary school for 20 years. Why would I be worried? There is no reason for it. It's not her capabilities that I doubt. It's that I know that this child will test every amount of patience, energy, and knowledge an expert can have. I know her day. It's my day too. It's a day full of cleaning, teaching, and saving Asher. It's also a day of snacking, laughing, hugging, kissing, and playing. That's what will make it worth it for her. 

I made the trip to the games with my mind on my little man. I have enjoyed sitting and watching the games. During the break, I went with my sisters-in-law for some retail therapy. I was kid free, but my mind is never free. I know everything is fine, but I can't help but be tired for my momma. I know her little short legs have been moving all day.

Asher and his Nan

I just want to go out to a ballgame❤⚾️

I Need a Manual

First time parents usually get some form of the "What to Expect" book when they find out a baby is on the way. Everyone offers their advice and their experiences when the baby arrives. It can be overwhelming for a new mom. You don't want to mess up. After the first child, things become easier. You're now an experienced parent. I have four kids. I am supposed to fall in this category. I know that "each child is different," but some are more different than others. I need a manual and a mentor and a prayer and a therapist.

I've needed a good 3 days to recover from Asher's latest incident. I have blogged before about the need for safety at our house and anywhere Asher goes. This is the story. I was getting Ash ready for therapy. He was dressed; I wasn't. He was playing with my phone and I walked into the living room. I didn't hear him making his sounds. I checked all of the doors- locked. I checked the gate on the stairs- still there. I checked all of his spots- behind the couch, on top of the dryer, in the tent, behind my clothes in the closet-not there. I'm screaming his name. He can't answer me, but I wanted a sound.

By this time, I'm panicked. All of a sudden, I see our outside cat inside the house. She's standing right beside the window that she jumped through. The window was up and the screen was out. I take off running around the front of the house to the back. Fortunately, there wasn't a meter reader or anyone in my driveway because I was completely naked. Cringe. 😣

I didn't see him, so I run and grab a housecoat. I run to the back of the house and there he is- climbing into the clubhouse. He was so happy. He was squealing and I was crying. I carried this 45 lb ragdoll to my truck. He didn't want to go. I put him in his carseat and left the door open. I got myself dressed.

My heart raced all the way to therapy. I cried on and off all day thinking about what could have happened. This kid is getting smarter and I'm afraid I can't keep up with him. Just when I think I have it under control, he surprises me. Asher is not listed in my parenting manual. I think he's writing his own.

**BTW- the windows are better secured and we are adding locks to the top of our doors. We do have a skylight. I'm sure he's already planning his escape.

Safety First

One of my biggest fears is Asher's safety. HE has NO fear. He's a runner and a climber. He is a strong, athletic kid. Because of his developmental delays, he can't be reasoned with at this point. Don't get me wrong, he knows what the word "no" means. Many times he will stop doing whatever he's doing long enough for me to get to him. BUT if it is something too enticing, he'll just go for it with lightning speed. Want to know some things he loves to do at my house?

1. He climbs on EVERYTHING. He's really smart about it. He grips those fat Flintstone feet on every handle or edging of a cabinet. He stands on the back of my couch which is about 2 inches wide. He stands there so proudly and balances himself.

2. He's discovered the attic. He goes in there and shuts the door. He doesn't care that he's in the dark and that there is nothing but a Christmas tree up there.  I have had to take the handle off and hide it.

3. His most recent discovery is the railing of the stairs. He likes to go to the very top and try to balance himself on the top rail. Needless to say, there always has to be a gate at the bottom of the stairs. He knows how to take it off, but it slows him down at least.

4. He will run out of every door in the house. My boys and their friends know that every door must be locked at all times. I won't even let Asher see me lock them. He's too smart.

**Big confession**
One day, I was going to take Asher outside to play. I opened the door and remembered my phone. I walked 3 feet and grabbed my phone from the chair. When I turned around, Asher was NO WHERE to be found. I ran outside and I called his name. Of course, he wasn't going to answer me. He didn't make a sound. I heard a horn honking. We live on a country road, but a tree lined hill leads to that road. I ran all the way around the trees. No Asher. I ran around to the backside of the house. He was standing at the edge of our pond throwing rocks. He never made one sound. He wasn't scared. He didn't notice that I was crying and breathless.

I know some of this is common toddler behavior. I have had 3 other toddlers. The difference is that in Asher's mind, in his way of processing,  he sees nothing wrong with any of it. He doesn't know he'll get hurt. He gets injured and continues the same behavior.

This is what goes on at my house. This is the place he is most familiar with and he makes it dangerous. Can you imagine me taking him in public? Y'all, we go places. We go in public. We go to Wal-Mart. We go to ball games. We go to restaurants. I can't enjoy myself. I'm a dang nervous wreck. Many sweethearts have offered to watch him at a ballgame or help occupy him while I'm tending to another child. I know how hard it is for me and I can't/won't put that on someone else. It's hard for me to not just stay home, but the more social he is, the better.  He loves to be around a crowd of people; I won't take that from him.

Dream a Little Dream

I have always been a dreamer. In reality, I am pretty logical and I definitely don't have my head in the clouds, but in sleep, I dream. My dreams are always vivid and extremely detailed. I have had people ask, " How you remember all of that?" Look, I don't know. I'm sure someone could analyze me and tell me something. This clarity also applies to my nightmares. I can still remember nightmares from years and years ago. It's strange, but it's me.

Let me backtrack just a tad. Asher is considered to be nonverbal. He doesn't speak. He never started talking. Many Autistic kids spoke and reverted back to not speaking. That's a big clue for parents. Asher babbled, but there were not real words. Today, he squeals and squeaks out all kinds of sounds. Some are the beginning sounds for words. Some of them are repetitive. Meaning, there are certain "phrases" he says often. I learned a new term yesterday. *PREVERBAL* This is when a few words are spoken and those words are retained by the child. Asher doesn't say words consistently enough to be considered PREVERBAL yet.

Asher says a few words and even has a go-to multiple word (dare I say) sentence. He is hardheaded. He will randomly say these things, and rarely say them on command.
Right now he will say:

•wow
•yeah
•good
•I did!
•I did it!

Early on in this process, we had been attending therapy for a few weeks. In his deep little voice he said "Momma." He went on to say it several times throughout the day. I cried and celebrated. I got cupcakes and took them to his therapists. It was a great day. This is when I learned a hard lesson. I learned that he might say a word for a day or two and then not say it again. He hasn't said my name since that day. His therapists say that we know the words are in there; we just have to get them out. In the past, he has said:

•go
•no
•more
•Dada❤
•Jack❤

Ok, back to the dream. I have had a reoccurring dream that Asher talks. In the dream, I don't make a big deal about him talking; it is just a fact. After waking up, I have even started my day thinking he could talk only to be disappointed. I used to cry. I would call Randy and be so upset. I quit calling him because I think it upset him too. Anyway, this morning I started my day with a dream. Reality has set in that it was ONLY a dream. It's going to be real one day. I have confidence in this kid. He's going to make my dreams come true.

     I know he's dreaming too. I can't wait to            hear all about it💙

Pillow Talk

Let's talk about sleep. I'll give a little information and then a little personal experience. For many Autistic kids, sleep is a big issue. Their sleep patterns vary, but they usually have a lack of sleep, therefore, their parents do too. It's like having a newborn who never gets out of the newborn stage X 10. I have been fortunate to have a good sleeper in Asher. He easily gets 8-10 hours a night. He doesn't take a nap during the day and he, literally, never stops moving until bedtime. Getting him to go to bed has been a challenge though. Some nights, he won't give it up. If he falls asleep in the car coming from therapy or a ballgame, I can guarantee that he won't go to bed at a decent time. If he sleeps for 5 minutes during the day, it's the same as him having a 3 hour nap.

"Sleep and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) Sleep problems are very common, reportedly as high as 80% in children with ASD. In typically developing children sleep problems and insufficient sleep can result in daytime sleepiness, learning problems and behavioral issues such as hyperactivity, inattentiveness and aggression." (Autism Speaks)

These days, he's in our bed. He was climbing out of his crib, so it's long gone now. Asher has gone through several bedtime rituals. It's rare that Randy, Asher, and I all go to bed at the same time and wake up together the next day.  We do a lot of couch sleeping. It's a frustrating situation every night. Asher will not sleep with any blanket. He has to sleep with his head at the foot of the bed, practically hanging off. He got in the habit of throwing all of the pillows in a pile on the floor and sleeping on top of them. This caused me so much anxiety. I finally got used to it. Of course, he changed again. We now get into bed and he turns the light on in the bedroom. He puts his head against the head board and looks down under the bed for a long time. I think he likes the contrast of the light and dark in the room. He'll make several trips out of the bedroom, get in the refrigerator, look for a snack, and finally make his way back to the bed. He finds his spot at the foot of the bed and doses off. So, we go to sleep with the light on and it gets turned off in the middle of the night.

Yesterday was a horrible, no good, very bad day. Asher had fallen asleep in the car. It was 8:30, so we had hope he would just stay asleep. Well, at 2 am he looks at me and whispers, "wow." It was all over. He stayed awake until I put him in the car to pick up the kids from school that afternoon. Not only was he awake all day, he was a terror. The highlights of the day were when he dumped a family size box of cereal in the floor and pulled all of my barstools into the living room and flipped them over. He ended up going to bed around 11 pm. Even though this day was one I'd like to forget,  I have to remember that so many do a version of this every day. Yikes...

Asher's pillow pile 

He did this 3 times yesterday 😕. Randy said this looks like some Poltergeist stuff.

All Under Control

It went down yesterday. I don't know if I should laugh or cry, but when I look at the picture, I have to laugh. I was THAT mom yesterday. I put a "leash" on Asher. I started off referring to it as a "harness." It is what it is though. Asher is a master at escaping. I call him Houdini on a daily basis. He can get out of any buckle. We always tried to keep him in the stroller at ballgames for as long as possible. Now, he slides out of the stroller in less than 3 seconds. Yeah, I timed that little joker. Anyway, I got a harness for him so that he's in arms reach, but not too restricted. Before I got it out, Riley saw it in the bag. I saw him cover it up with a jacket. I feel bad that he was embarrassed. I was uncomfortable about it too. I felt like everyone was looking at me.

Asher, generally, makes me uncomfortable at the games. I don't want to interrupt anyone from watching the game. He walks in front of people, uses them to pull himself up on the bleachers, tries to climb the fence,  drinks out of anyone's cup with a straw, puts rocks in his mouth, and puts his body on every surface he comes across. He is a babbling, squealing mess out there.

A sweetheart offered to "walk" him for me. I actually sat down to try to watch the game. I appreciated it so much that she offered and I totally trust her, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of them. I felt like she was being inconvenienced and I know how hard it is to keep up with him. Her husband told me that she has the patience of Job. I'm sure that patience was tested yesterday.

Anyway, we made it through the game. We survived another one. Asher fell asleep on the way home and I put him to bed with dirty feet 😕.  Randy had Asher a lot during the game and I was glad to have my hands empty. He came home and had a beer and I took a pill. It's all good in the Henfling hood though. We'll do it again on Thursday. I think I can, I think I can...

On the bright side, I had several people come to me and talk about how they enjoy reading these blogs. They are learning with me. I loved hearing their questions, kind words, and offers for prayer.  This has become my therapy. I need to get it all out and I love that people are so encouraging. So, congratulations to all of us.

Poor Daddy!

No shirt, no straps, no problem--I guess.

All Eyes On Me...Or Is It Him?

On Mondays Asher has therapy for 3 hours at a facility about 40 miles from our home. I usually walk every aisle of Wal-Mart and very slowly buy groceries. Today, I went to the nail salon and then quickly bought groceries. In the salon, I sat next to a lady and she started telling me that she worked at a school with special needs kids. I swallowed hard and I stuttered that my son is Autistic. It's hard. When I say those words I  #1)  am still in shock of this reality AND #2)  open myself up for questions and judgement. Well, I didn't get any #2. Lol. She was super sweet and we talked about my other boys. I told her they were helpful and loving to Asher. She began to explain how lucky I am to have these boys. She said that she has seen so many siblings of special needs kids that ignore and shun them. They are embarrassed of them. This seriously broke my heart. If anything, my boys would do the opposite for their brother. I have worried about how they would react to people being negative.

When I first explained to the boys that Asher was Autistic, I was worried about their reaction and the reaction of their peers. Everyday I asked them, "did anyone say anything?" I know that Knox is young. Most first graders are more understanding than adults can be. I wasn't too worried about him. Jackson and Riley are at the age when kids are seriously mean. I used to be a mean ole attitude having teenager. Sometimes, I'm still that girl. (I try, I try.) I also taught middle and high school for a number of years. I ain't no dummy to the ways of kids their age. There were a couple of remarks, but nothing too bad. In a way, I feel like putting it all out there will give people a chance to learn and not be ignorant about behaviors they see out in public from toddlers, older children, and even adults.

I don't think that anyone who knows me would describe me as meek and mild. I'm not that girl.

I have worried about myself when it comes to the way people perceive me, my family, and Asher.  That is kind of surprising to me because I am normally not that way. I know that my kids see my reactions to everything dealing with Ash. I have to go against my nature and be soft and try to understand that people are people and they are not perfect. 

I think everyone is doing good so far. I know that as Asher gets older, some of his quirks won't be cute to people.  We'll probably get more stares and comments. BTW- he started crossing his fingers this weekend. I just look at him and think he's hoping for something😊

Knox's school happened to have an Autism Awareness week last week. I helped Knox write down what he wanted them to know about his brother. He presented it to the class. Maybe I'm looking to my kids for how I should act. 

Well, at least you have that.

As I am beginning this journey in the world of Autism, I learn something new everyday. I also get more confused about what is best for Asher. Each child is so different that it is hard to know what to expect from your own child. What will work with him? What will make the difference in his life?

I was speaking with a grandmother of an Autistic boy. Her grandson is older than Asher and I wanted to find connections between what worked for her family and if we were doing the same things. We were trading stories of their behaviors and therapies.

Here are some things we discussed:
● "Ticks" can develop and gradually go away. They are replaced by something new.

Asher has tapped spoons, spit, and carried cooking utensils. When excited, he would hit himself in the head (thankfully, that only lasted for about a week), hit himself in the chest, and now hits his legs.

●Try to see things his way instead of making him conform to my rules.

I don't mean to let him go buck wild. I just mean to pick my battles. I am definitely a "do what I said" kind of momma.  For months, Asher got in the dirt of the only plant in my house. I know he understands what "no" means, so I was determined to make him leave that plant alone. After the 100th time of picking up dirt that day,  I put the plant on the back porch. Something this simple has changed my life. Seriously.

●To describe a child as "autistic" in every day conversation is not ok.

In this blog and in my life right now, Asher is Autistic. This is new and we talk about it A LOT. As time passes, it will, hopefully, be less of a description of him. I just mean it is not ok to say things like, "That Autistic boy is behaving today." Think about if everyone referred to kids by their race or a disability... It shouldn't be a adjective for him. Asher is Asher.

●Autism is an "unseen" disability.

It would be easier to explain things if he were in a wheelchair. That sounds terrible. People assume your child is misbehaving. I can't/won't explain his behavior to everyone that looks in my direction.

●Many Autistic kids do not show affection.

Asher is not a typical example of an Autistic child. There is no real typical, but as far as exhibiting behaviors common in Autism, he doesn't fit the mold. He loves to be in public. He loves to be with people. He is loving. As I spoke with this grandmother, I told her that Asher loves to hug and be squeezed. He loves to give kisses. She replied, "well, at least you have that." I do have that. Some parents don't get that and my heart breaks for them. I can't imagine not getting affection from him. Her words really put some things in perspective for me. Asher isn't speaking, but he is loving. Asher flaps his hands when he's excited, but he's happy. Asher covers his ears, but he laughs. Asher makes a mess, but he lives. Asher is Autistic, but above all that comes with it, I have all of these wonderful things too.

I am on a personal mission to focus on what I DO have in all of my children, in my husband, in my family, and in my crazy life.

  

A Dad's Dream

I have never been a dad. I wouldn't want to be one. Dad's get the trash. Dad's get the yardwork. Dad's get the shaft. My boys have a great dad though. He works freaking hard, y'all. His job doesn't require much physical labor; it's all mental. The love he has for our boys is crazy. He would do anything for them and he only wants the best for them ALL. He will tell you that they are the reason he hustles.

I'm with Asher the most. Everyone knows that. I am his #1 caretaker. It's stressful. I have anxiety issues. It's all day, every day. I think that when people hear of a special needs child, they think if his mom. I understand. I do the same thing. You think of a mother's heart and the love she has for her child. I don't think dads get enough credit for their love.

When Randy isn't with him physically, he is mentally. He handles all of the insurance, bills, and forms. There are a lot of them. It's stressful to be a full-time advocate, have a full-time job, be a full-time husband, and still have the energy to be a full-time, hands-on dad.

Most guys dream of having a little boy. They want someone to carry on the family name. They want to throw catch with him. They want to teach him "guy stuff." We are so happy to have 4 boys, but with that, comes the heartache this dad feels. He has a son that is not typical. Will he get to experience the things his brothers have? We don't know. Dad's get heartbroken. Dad's get disappointed. Dad's get worried. Dad's cry.

Our situation is not ideal, but it is our reality. I get annoyed when Randy has no patience after only being home an hour or two. I get aggravated when he falls asleep in the chair at night. Along with my other motherly and wifely duties, I have taken care of Asher all day. I admit that I get in my feelings quite often. I should never forget that Randy has been stressing too. He is working and wondering and thinking about our family. He is dreaming of what it could be and of how it may never be.

So, to my babies' daddy, you are appreciated and loved. We are in this together. Let's dream new dreams and make them all come true. XOXO

Momma said the "A" word

My boys are smart. They don't live in LaLa land. They understand that Asher goes to therapy, that he's not talking but should be, and that we are working hard to help him. Randy and I have never discussed that "A" word with them. We didn't want to use it, but now we have to. Asher is Autistic.

It's scary to think about as a grown woman, so I can't imagine what went through their heads as we had the discussion. Jackson is 15, he ALMOST knows everything at this point in his life. Lol. He is really close with Asher and my heart melts every time he scoops up that baby to play. Riley is 12. He is a deep thinker. I knew not to take his reaction at face value because he would be thinking for a long time about all of it. Knox is 7. He is extremely logical about most things. He always talks in a matter-of-fact way.

I asked the boys, "What do you think about when you hear the word Autism?"

I barely got it out of my mouth and Knox replies, "Asher."

I couldn't catch my breath. I tried to not burst into tears. I didn't want to scare or upset them. I moved on to the other two. Jackson and Riley both mentioned kids they knew with Autism. Those kids are totally different from one another. So, I thought I would explain why Autism is described on a spectrum.

I drew a line. At one end, I described the most severe cases.  At the other end, I told them about people that had such mild characteristics, you wouldn't know that anything was going on with them. Asher is close to the mild end. If he were speaking, there would be very little to notice about his behavior.

I have checked with the boys to make sure they aren't worried or have questions. Jackson has already had a kid ask him if "his brother has problems." Ugh, this is a big issue for ME. Even though I know that comment came from an immature kid, my personality doesn't allow me to ignore ignorance. (The shirt I wore yesterday says, " I have a good heart, but this mouth." 😏)

So, my family is out of the closet.  Randy and I both feel a sense of relief and have less fear of the "A" word.

Finding Piece

I need an outlet. I need somewhere to get my thoughts together and to work out my feelings. That is the purpose of this blog. As I am learning about my new world, I hope to enlighten readers about it too. Everyone has a story and this is mine.

In 2013, Randy and I found out we would be welcoming another boy to our family. 4 boys? Really? We've GOT this. In June 2014, Asher made his debut.

Asher hit all of his milestones. He was healthy. He was a big ole boy. He rolled, sat, crawled, smiled, and loved. I began to notice some funny quirks. He tapped spoons on EVERYTHING. He looked out of the corners of his eyes. A LOT. Although it was really cute, I had a gut feeling. We saw the pediatrician, had a CAT scan, saw an optometrist, and everything checked out fine.

No words. He didn't hit that milestone. At 2, we saw a new pediatrician. She said he exhibited some characteristics of autism. Even though those thoughts had rolled around in my head, it hit me really hard to hear it from someone else. She assured us that Early Intervention would be key to his development and that we couldn't have started any sooner.

Now, Asher will be 3 in June. We have a neurologist, we have a normal MRI report, we have speech, developmental, and physical therapists. This is the most difficult thing to deal with. There are so many acronyms, questions, fears...I don't have enough answers. Asher is definitely on the mild end of the spectrum. We have seen small improvements.

They say that if you have met one child with autism, you have met ONE child with autism.

This is Asher:
•nonverbal
•sensory issues
•flaps hands when excited
•covers ears
•picky eater

This is ALSO Asher:
•funny
•loves to look you right in the eye and kiss
•SO strong and agile
•cries for his brothers
•loves to be outside and messy
•happiest when he's around a lot of people

I am now a stay-at-home mom. We have lots of appointments and it is FREAKING hard. Some days are long; some days are longer. We are determined to do what we have to in order for Asher to thrive. Our boys are in love with him. He has his own way of doing things, but he is a part of our puzzle. We will do anything to make this piece fit.