I will never claim to know why God creates some with physical or mental capabilities that are different from others. Concerning Asher, I have blamed myself for things that I really know are beyond my control. Believe me, I have cried and prayed about this life. I am still not fully "all in" when it comes to Asher. I want to fix so many things even though I know I can't. It hurts.
Psalms 139:13-16
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
I go back to this passage because I know that I need to TRUST in what God has blessed me with. During the days I feel like things could be so much better, I need to see the bright side. I'm laughing at myself. I went back and looked at some of my very first blogs. The desperation is still here, but Liz was in denial about an important part. I blogged about my first conversations with the boys about Asher being Autistic.
Here is what I wrote:
"I drew a line. At one end, I described the most severe cases. At the other end, I told them about people that had such mild characteristics, you wouldn't even know that anything was going on with them. Asher is close to the mild end. If he were speaking, there would be very little to notice about his behavior."
Really, Liz.
I suppose that is how I felt at the time, as unrealistic as it was. I had high hopes for immediate progress and my fire was burning bright. I know better now. Don't get me wrong. I know that he is smart and capable of many things, but he is not mild. It's funny how things change in a year's time- thoughts, feelings, expectations.
Hopelessness comes in waves for me. Last April I hardly acknowledged Autism Awareness month. This year it sneaked up on me. I got involved with selling bracelets and painting windows. I saw tons of ASD facts and FB profile pics posted. I liked it. This was also the first time that I rallied the troops for Asher and Autism. We let our elected officials know that cutting funding is not ok. I stepped out a little in April. I think I'm having some type of withdrawal now. April is over, but Autism isn't.
As Asher's 4th birthday approaches, it is becoming all the more clear that I have to be completely dedicated to his progress. The progress is coming, but it is SO SLOW. On my bad days, I am convinced that he hasn't learned a thing. I'm mad on those days. I need to have the same outlook as Randy. He said he thinks day-to-day. He won't let his mind take him any further than that. That is good advice. Keep my head down and keep working. Just because April is over, the work for me, Asher, his therapists, my family, and my community must continue. April is 1 of 12 months. Within those months are weeks, days, hours, and minutes. I don't get to clock out. God doesn't clock out either.
I know me and I know I will backslide on all of these revelations. The minute something goes wrong, I lose my faith and trust. Heeeeyyy, maybe I do know why God gave me Asher after all...
