To Be or Not To Be--Firm

Just look at this. The gate is in place. If I didn't stop him, he would climb to the top. (Dad is over it🙁.)

Do we make him happy or make him mind? At this point, it's one or the other. Asher is the most determined child I have ever been around. I know that he has some delays, but he's smart. It's confusing on what he actually understands though. Here are some examples:

1. He understands the word "no." Many times, Asher will stop doing whatever he's doing when I tell him no. He is only 2 though. He has his moments. 

2. He understands our routines. If I'm getting bags ready. He knows we are leaving. He'll gather up shoes and my keys and head for the door.
3. He does not understand commands that he has not been specifically taught. I can tell him to bring me his cup and he will. If I tell him to go to the bedroom, he doesn't know what I'm saying.

This is really going to sound terrible, but I'm going to admit it. When we began this process with Asher, I asked my mom if she thought there was a light in his eyes. You know what I mean. I wanted to know if he was here or really present. I'm embarrassed. What would it matter? I would still love him. I would still fight for him. I think I just wanted to know what I was dealing with and not have on my mom blinders.

I can tell you that Asher is smart. You'll just have to take my word for it if you haven't been around him.  He figures out things that make me shake my head. He surprises us every day. He knows that his daddy is the outside parent. I hate playing outside. Randy can spend all day out there. It's good that we have that balance, but it's also caused a problem. Randy cannot be in the house without Asher bringing him his shoes. We were happy that he recognized that putting on the shoes meant he would get to go outside, but he is very persistent. Now, he wedges himself between his daddy and the chair and pushes him out. Of course, his dad gives in EVERY TIME. He knows that is Asher's #1 thing to do.

Because I know that he's smart, I know that he can understand. We have to drill into him that wait means wait and no means no.  It's like that about every single thing with him. I'm exhausted.

This is why he loves it outside. He messes! He's in the mud, water, and sand. This is ALSO why it's hard to tell him no. 

Jumping, Spinning, Flapping For Joy

He's so excited, and he just CAN'T hide it. No, really. He can't. Guess what? I don't want him to. Asher stims. Stimming is a repetitive movement done in order to regulate feelings and emotions. Have you ever tapped a pencil or bounced your knee without really thinking about it? You.are.stimming!!

One of the main indicators of a child on the spectrum is stimming. When Asher began to stim, I did not like it. I knew what it meant. I didn't know if I should stop him. Should I suppress it and maybe he would forget about it and not do it anymore?? The more I have discussed it with his therapists and the more I have read about it, I know that it's kind of a good thing for him.

Asher has gone through a few different types of stimming. He used to spin in a circle. I know a lot of kids do that, but it was relaxing for him. He wasn't doing it to get dizzy. He often rubs surfaces or puts objects in his mouth. This is a combination of stimming and his sensory issues. He started flapping his hands. I thought I would die. This is classic Autistic behavior. I didn't want him to do it in public. I feel terrible for thinking that now. Currently, his main source of stimming is hitting his legs. He gets up on his tiptoes and hits his thighs. He does it with a squeal and a smile on his face.

Sometimes when he stims, I bend down to him eye level, speak to him in a soft tone, and give him a squeeze. It helps calm him down. I'm not preventing him from expressing himself; I'm helping him express his excitement or anxiousness in a different way.

He is happy. Too happy. He is excited. Too excited. Why would that be a bad thing?  So, I'm going with it. Whatever he feels like doing is ok. He knows better than I do what makes him comfortable. I look at it differently now.

He is my real life fidget spinner.💙

His mind and body need their rest.💙❤

Super Duper Senses

This blog is about poop. Everyone does it, but not everyone talks about it. The first part is about sensory issues, I'll warn you when the poop convo starts.

Asher is not typical. He gets over stimulated because he has sensory processing difficulties. Everything is heightened for him. He loves to be around people and he loves all of the commotion of being outside, but he gets overloaded. What comes off as bad behavior is just a kid that's too happy and too excited about everything going on around him.

He is a picky eater, but he eats a combination of textures. He loves fruit, yogurt, pudding, peanut butter, bread, crunchy snacks, chicken, etc. He can look at food on my plate and gag though. He won't try noodles or potatoes or apples, but he eats peas and corn. Whatever, Asher.

He is not bothered with loud noises. He's been to ballgames, heard bands playing, and he lives with my loud mouth. He will, occasionally, cover his ears when there is too much going on, but he's not afraid. He's usually smiling.

He loves to touch everything. He loves to put his face on a cold window. He loves to lay his body on concrete warmed by the sun. He loves metal. He puts spoons in his mouth and rubs his hands on metal slides and poles.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>WARNING<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

He also loves to be messy. He loves to play with Kinetic sand, slime, mud, and poop. Yep, poop.

Many Autistic kids have digestive problems. From what I understand, constipation is the issue. They don't like the texture of poop, so they won't go. Potty training is difficult and medication is often needed. Many parents have to make frequent trips to the hospital in order to get their kids cleaned out. We don't have these problems. Asher doesn't mind the texture, in fact, he likes it.

He started getting into his diaper and playing with his poop. I won't go into ALL of the details. Trust me, you don't want to know. It was like Play Doh for him. I started keeping one piece, zip up pajamas on him. Guess what he learned at therapy?? How to work a zipper!!

I then became an inventor. I put the pajamas on him backwards and cut the feet out of them. They zipped up the back. He couldn't reach it.😏 One of his therapists told me about a company that makes pajamas that zip up the back. I have a few of my creations and a few pairs of the professionally made ones. He always has one of these on while we are at home.

A quick story so that you understand my pain. Asher pooped while in his carseat. I don't think this has ever happened. We were on a back road coming from therapy. I smelled it, but there was no where to pull over. By the time I found a spot. This is what I was dealing with.

I wanted to set my truck on fire. I womaned up and cleaned it though. Anyway, he has gotten better about this. No messes in a while. It's probably because he doesn't get to run around without being zipped up. Lol

Homemade pjs

The real deal pjs

A Man's Man and a Boy's Pawpaw

My daddy. Lord knows he is one of a kind. He grew up in a family of 5 boys. He was super athletic and has always been a fierce competitor. He worked so hard for my family. That is how he showed his love. He was very involved with my brothers as they competed in sports. I know he loved me, but he didn't know what to do with a girl. I was an emotional, mouthy cheerleader that loved art. Lol.  My dad has expressed how proud of me he is as an adult. He's tough though. I know that some people who THINK they know him, think he's too harsh. I promise you that if you truly know this man, you don't have to wonder what he thinks, you don't have to wonder where you stand, and you don't have to wonder how you'll survive; he would do whatever it takes to help you.

Okay, with all of that being said, he loves his 9 grandkids more than anything. I never thought he would be this kind of Pawpaw. He loves spending time with them. He teases the little ones and makes pies with the only granddaughter. He calls the older boys the "Wrecking Crew" and they have inside jokes that I don't want to know. He was never too involved when they were babies, but as they have grown up, he loves to have them around to joke with and to have a good meal. He is a no nonsense, "you kids go outside" kind of guy. When Asher was diagnosed, I wondered how he'd be with him. I didn't know if he would be patient with him. I didn't know if he would find something in common with him. Love, true love, is an amazing thing.

My parents have started taking Asher to therapy for me on Wednesdays. This has allowed me to have a break. My dad has made such a connection with Asher. He is researching ideas on ways to help him. He is talking to others about what they know. He gets so excited when Ash does something new. He's amazed at how strong and athletic he is. He texts me links, ideas, and quotes to inspire me and keep me going.

My dad sent me this text today:

Don't you EVER forget what the apostle Paul's HOPE was. It's the ANTICIPATION of GOD'S beautiful child , ASHER'S hope. It's our hope too !! And make no mistake about it, he's visibly improving and we and THE ALMIGHTY GOD will see us through this. Hide and watch GOD at work ! The love for that child from this family can not be measured.


Asher didn't know it and I didn't know it, but my dad is one of his advocates. This particular advocate can't be stopped, can't be told "no," and has a determination like you've never seen! My dad told me about a plan he has for Asher. He has ideas that I know he will see to the end. My dad goes full out in everything he does. I know his ideas will become reality and be successful. Hide and watch...

Big Pawpaw loves to have Asher play with his dog, Troy. Now, Troy looks for Asher to play. This has become one of Asher's favorite things to do.😊

The Mother In Me

I grew up with two brothers. It was not uncommon to find me as a "fill-in" in one of their many wiffle ball games. It was also not uncommon to find me with a babydoll and all of the accessories. My daddy would even let me get real diapers for my dolls. I, seriously, always wanted to be a momma. I have a big family. I have always been really close to my aunt and uncle that had 7 kids. I was a cousin-carrying little girl. I loved to babysit them and I even took a van load of them on one of my first dates with Randy. I mean, he had to love them too. I just knew who I was meant to be.

Right before Asher was diagnosed, I had a miscarriage. I know that many women have experienced this. After four kids, this was the first time I had ever gone through it.  Randy and I both were heartbroken. We contemplated trying again. Now, I think about having a child that would be younger than Asher. How would I handle that? At this point, that child would be meeting milestones and passing Asher by. Is it wrong to be relieved that it has worked out this way? I always have a reason to feel guilty about something...

It's funny how life works. I know it's God's plan. He's had this all worked out, but it's still hard to understand it sometimes.

I ran into a lady in Wal-Mart that my mom used to teach with. We made small talk and as she looked at Asher, she said, " You are really fortunate." I AM really fortunate to have this angel as a part of our family. I am learning to take every compliment and kind word about Asher to heart. I remember those conversations  whenever someone wants to tell me a horror story of a kid they know with Autism.

Today, I celebrated Mother's Day a day early with some wonderful mothers. First, I spent some time with my mother-in-law, 2 sisters-in-law, and niece. Each of those women is a different kind of momma. They have learned from their mothers and from one another. Afterwards, I went to my parents' house. The men cooked supper and cleaned for me, my momma, and sisters-in-law. We are each different mothers too. I have so much support from ALL of these women. They all know that Asher has his ways. They help when I'm struggling and they love him. After supper and dessert were eaten, Asher streaks through the kitchen and everyone cracks up laughing. He had undressed in less than 5 seconds!! THIS.IS.MOTHERHOOD!!

We are all evolving, right? I think people should grow in all areas of their lives. I have to admit that I am changing as a momma. Before kids, I had an idea of the kind of mom I would be. After a few kids, I changed. After Asher, I have a whole new idea of the mother I  SHOULD be. He has changed my life. He's pretty amazing that way.

In this picture, Asher was 1 year old. I remember telling the photographer, my best friend, that he wasn't speaking yet. I didn't know.

       Asher had a long day of playing and running naked. I have GOT to tell y'all about the backwards pajamas😊

Holy Matrimony Ain't No Baloney

A vow is a promise. When I stood in front of family, friends, and God and vowed to be with this man through everything, That meant EVERYTHING. The vows we said to one another didn't mention anything about dealing with a special needs child.

Do you promise to love, comfort, honor for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful for as long as you both shall live?

Sure, we can do that. We said the words with the greatest of intentions. In our almost 17 years of marriage, we have had spats and we have had blowups. We are still here. We work on it. Some days we work on it more than others. From the first moment Asher and Autism were used in the same sentence, we became a force. We are a dynamic duo when it comes to this baby.

I have read so much about how a diagnosis divides a family. I am aware of it. So far, we haven't really disagreed on Asher's treatment or the next step to take with him. We usually get into it out of frustration. We have 4 boys that each need parents. We have one that needs us a little more. I'll confess that I threw a box of Lucky Charms at Randy one day. I'm laughing about it now because I had to pick them all up. 😑 It happens. The important thing is that we continue on for the benefit of all of our kids.

I often think about those parents that get a different diagnosis. Those parents that are fighting for their child's life. It's on a different level. It's unimaginable to me, but it's a reality for many. I can't imagine the stress and emotions that come with that. Even on the hardest of days, we are blessed to not be dealing with that. Even on the hardest of days, we are blessed to have one another.

Randy Paul, we are in it to win it!

In case you didn't know
Baby I'm crazy bout you
And I would be lying if I said
That I could live this life without you
Even though I don't tell you all the time
You had my heart a long long time ago
In case you didn't know.

                                         -Trent Tomlinson

Hope is the Thing With Feathers

Hope. I have it. Some days it is stronger than others. I have hope for big things and hope for little things. Every day I hope that Randy has a good day at work. I hope that Jackson has all of his ball stuff for practice. I hope Riley' s phone doesn't go off in class again. I hope Knox says something hilarious so I can laugh. I hope Asher doesn't pour a box of cereal on the floor. These are small hopes. I have big hopes for each of them too. I want them to all be successful, healthy, and to just have a good life.

I met a stranger today. She noticed the Autism sign on my bracelet and asked where I got it. I told her that it was a gift. She began to tell me that she used to teach special needs kids. I told her about Asher and she lit up. Her friend's son is Autistic. He is a big part of their lives. He is now 25 and living on his own. He has a job and a really good life. This made me start thinking about Asher's future. I'm so caught up in his day-to-day that I don't think about him as an adult.

I told her I was just beginning this journey. Asher is only 2 and I haven't really even thought too much about him going to school, much less him being a grown man. She looked me in the eye and said, "Don't you ever let anyone put a limit on him. If they try to, push past that limit." **I felt hope.**

I also took a yoga class tonight for the first time. The instructor told us to think of a word to inspire us. "Hope" came to mind. I know Asher will fulfill my biggest hopes for him. He will understand. He will speak. He will be independent. Namaste...

"Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
                            E. Dickinson

Yep, hope is the thing with feathers. It is inside of me. It is in my soul. It will not stop. Asher is WORTH being hopeful.

I hoped he wouldn't make a mess. There's always hope for tomorrow😊💙