Locked In

For the first time in a while, I had a full breakdown. I've felt it coming, but I just didn't have time for it. My head is spinning. There is too much to figure out about Asher. I try to make myself believe that everything will be fine. He'll catch up. He'll understand me.

I find myself saying, "Did it sound like he said..." I want someone to hear it too, so that I can cling to that little hope. I get excited over the smallest of tasks completed only to find that he never completes it again.

Even after all of this, I'm still in denial. This has been the hardest year of my life. It has only been 1 year though. I can't do this forever, but what choice do I have?

I am grieving for the 3 year old that I expected to have. It's overwhelming. Every single day is a challenge. He should be potty trained. He should be speaking. He should be able to sit, to walk, to live without it being such a struggle.

He got up at 4:45 this morning, and he's acting like a maniac. He's going from one thing to another. He's throwing things, taking his clothes off, making messes, and running around non-stop. Nothing has changed from his usual routine.  What is making today a disaster? This is my dilemma every.damn.day. Asher totally dictates how my day will go. His behavior trickles down to the rest of my family-- good or bad.

Last week, Ash learned to unlock the doors. We have 3 doors leading to outside. Yesterday, we had locks installed to keep Houdini from escaping. Problem solved, right? Well, he is running from door to door trying to escape. It makes my alarm beep. He is jerking on the doors and screaming in frustration. I know the feeling, Asher. I'm screaming too.